i am seven
i am loud and creative and happy and confident
i sing my own songs in front of people i don’t know
i model and pose and vogue for anyone that breaks out a camera
i draw strange portraits of people that make them uncomfortable
but i don’t care. i spin in my living room
and talk in my own language; i don’t care
i am my own person and i love every minute of it.
i don’t ask for others’ opinions.
i am ten
i love english class. i write crazy stories in my journal;
a clan of vegetables each with a personality disorder;
a yellow snowman who doesn’t understand why no one likes him;
a cocky genius who runs a successful company but is only 12 years old;
my teachers stamp and sticker and star them.
they tell me i’m brilliant.
other kids don’t get why i like writing so much. or why i like
doing overdramatic impressions of celebrities.
they think i’m weird. only one boy thinks i’m funny.
that boy tells me he loves me
and another tells me i’m ugly.
i only listen to one.
i go home and pluck my eyebrows
i am twelve
i wear mascara and eyeliner and glasses
that i hate. i fake-write and dumb it down;
misspelling and using simple words with dull, generic ideas
i do this out of fear we ever have to “share with the class”.
i don’t want kids thinking i’m weird anymore. one day
our teacher takes pictures of us working and puts them in a slideshow;
when my picture comes up three boys snicker.
one day a popular boy asks me out and i don’t know what to say.
later he corners me at my locker. he laughs and uses
curt hand gestures and says, in harsh, cutting words:
“i was JOKE-ing. it was a JOKE. you are UG-LY.”
he said all of this like i was a foreign exchange student
who didn’t understand english. but i understood.
i go home and beg for contacts.
i never trust a boy again
i am fifteen
a boy shows interest in me. i let him be my boyfriend
regardless that i have no interest in him; physically or mentally.
he tells me i’m beautiful then asks me to take my clothes off
on video chat. no other boy has ever told me i’m beautiful or chased
after me, so i stay.
he constantly tells me i have a big nose, small boobs, and bad taste in music
he constantly tells me i can’t take a joke
i stay because i’m naive and he’s familiar. i think i’ll be miserable
if we break up, but i don’t know i’m already miserable.
how will i ever find a guy like him? i’m ugly and fat and awkward
i avoid mirrors and breakfast
i fake-write so much i forget how to real-write
i get poor grades in school
i am sixteen
i don’t eat anything during the week
and i hate myself. i meet another boy
but this one is kind to me. he tells me my taste in music is amazing
but is astonished at how much i crave his approval.
one day on his couch he holds my face and tells me,
“you need to love yourself
before you can love anybody else”.
he doesn’t ask for sexual favors. he makes sure i eat
and i call myself beautiful whenever i’m with him. he takes me places
and apologizes when i’m wrong. he makes me love myself
even when i don’t want to.
i sign up for advanced english. i start writing again
i am seventeen
my english teacher pulls me aside and i get nervous
i think maybe i shouldn’t have taken advanced english.
she tells me she read my essay to her boyfriend
she tells me it’s the best essay in the whole class.
i go home and write. i read sylvia plath and emily dickinson and flannery o’connor
i eat personal pizzas by myself and feel beautiful
he tells me i’m brilliant even when i’m not. he holds me even when i’m yelling at him telling him to shut up.
“you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else”
i love myself more now
i will always love him more
when your teacher gossips about other teachers
maybe Jesus was gay the whole time and was actually saying “ah, men”
DC is being all gritty and “realistic” and Marvel just had a movie where the galaxy is saved by a dance-off and the power of friendship
If you’re scared of the purge in real life clap your hands
If you’re angry about what’s happening in Ferguson clap your hands
If you’re terrified about what’s happening in america clap your hands
If you’ve lost all faith in humanity because of what’s happening in America clap your hands
*planet explodes* *removes one earbud* what
when ur boob starts itching in public
i have so much homework
what movie should i watch
im still counting on one last wave of puberty to come really late and make me hot